Reinventing myself, once again

I wrote this initially at the end of June, 2012 but updated it today.


I have one more day and a wakeup till I move back home to the states and once again become retired living in a country club in Southern California instead of an expat wife living in Bangkok.  I've done this before.  I am unraveling my relationships, packing my things, saying my goodbyes, doing all that I love one more time.  On one hand my heart breaks, on the other it's time to go.

I am going back to my family; my children, my grandchildren, my home.  That should be enough but the world is my home.  I feel comfortable in many cities, states, countries.  I am a different person in each of these places.  It takes me a bit of time and effort to shed one skin and don another.  Some places I feel more comfortable in and some I struggle with more.  I bore easily and love to be entertained.  Some say I am entertaining but I crave entertainment.  As a child I collected friends who made me laugh.  I have learned that in life few people really have that ability to make me laugh out loud.

Here in Bangkok I am an experienced expat wife...one of the older ones in fact.  I've lived in Singapore for over 10 years and I've lived here in Bangkok several years ago for 3 years.  That makes me experienced and a leader.  I can help those that are new, young, struggling or all three.

When I go home to the country club I am younger than most and not really the country club type, luckily.  Here in Bangkok I have friends that are in their early 30's, some younger than my own children.  In the desert I have friends my parents age.  I am a reflection of those I surround myself with and therefore I struggle with who I am and who I will become, this time.

Ron and I have repatriated 3 times.  The first time was after living in Singapore for more than 10 years.  The first time Ron retired our two children Daniel and Brittany both went off to college and therefore we were empty nesters and I turned 40 that year all at the same time.  It was brutal.  I've often said that though expatriating is difficult repatriating can be even more difficult.  I leave with a heavy heart.

Life Lessons

There are those in life who push others down so that they may rise and then there are those who give a hand to those around them so that they may lift you up.  I have been lifted up by the women in my life, carried with soft fingertips to a safe place, a place I find myself today.

My grandmothers were both presented with great challenges, much greater than mine and yet both were kind and loving, not everyone has been so blessed.  My mother was stronger that she was anything else but she never spoke ill of others and she despised female games and game players.  My granddaughter has taught me that there are no limitations but those you put on yourself.

My Mother taught me to be strong, kind, smart, forgiving, charitable and confident.  These are the gifts I most treasure.  Many mistake my attributes for reflections of those they lack, when in fact, that are gifts I am willing to share.  

I will not be held back by your restrictions, instead I will be propelled by my dreams and by the love and support I am surrounded by.  Each of you have taught me something, not all of it from a loving heart, but whether you meant to or not I will take the lessons presented to me and I will be a better person for it.  Either you have tried to degrade me or to lift me, either way it is a direct reflection on you and a gift to me.  

I have had many teachers in my life, both good and bad and I must thank you all for the lessons I have learned, I am  a better person for it.